A Quiet Epiphany: One Coin

A Touch of Now - An Introduction

“I sit here desperately wanting to create something; to say something on these pages that will convey my thoughts, the beauty of this spot; to share my experience of this moment in time. My chest aches and tightens, as if to squeeze out the salty tears of longing. I look up from my shaded table cracked and weathered like the hull of an ancient ship, my back warmed in the afternoon sun, and thought is inadequate to the task.
Emerald green waves, speckled white with tips of foam, roll toward me from a forest curling like a finger out into the sea. Puffy white clouds emerge from beyond this jagged green horizon and float in lazy patterns against a pale blue sky. Leaves flutter in the warm breeze and dancing shadows dabble all around my wordless perch as seagulls, screeching nature’s plan, dive for unseen morsels and a jittery squirrel buries his face in the still moist grass.
The scene is there for everyone present. My experience lost within me and an inability to truly share the wonder may be my greatest pain.”

When exactly I wrote this is uncertain. Why, is an even greater mystery? What I am certain of however, is the truth embraced by the experience. It describes a moment in which I felt the touch of “now,” and in that touch the truth was unmistakable, simple, clear, and thoroughly unspeakable. I was present to that moment and the moment shared with me all there is to know. This Blog is about my journey, then and now, into the moment and the truth I find there.

October 14, 2009

One Coin - Two Faces

      Several years into my meditation practice, I found myself having to adapt to new partner at work. A friendly fellow to be sure and an undeniably good worker, but as far as personalities go we couldn’t have been more different. Suffice it to say, a major flaw in my character continually had its button pushed. Historically my favorite epithet in these circumstances was a seven letter expletive for a body aperture. And in the past, once I sunk my cogitating teeth into the soft flesh of his various ineptitudes, I would find myself in a whirlpool of complaints that would draw me ever deeper into a mire of irascibility. In no time at all, I would find myself unable to accept anything he said or did and I would be nailed to the cross of my own judgments. It’s exhausting now….just thinking about it.
      However, as a result of meditation and the study of Zen concepts, and Buddhist teachings, I began to see improvement, not in others, but in myself. More and more I began to recognize when I was being judgmental or sarcastic earlier in the process, and today I find that I am often able to counter these learned reactions before I begin to act on them. There are even times when I realize that I’ve just experienced the perfect trigger for one of these old behaviors or attitudes. For me it was usually judgmental patterns of thinking. But, over time, I started to notice the habitual urge to go there, without so much as a behavioral twitch in their direction.
      I can’t say exactly how this has happened - there is nothing I can point to directly and say, “There it is! The reason I have changed is….” However, I can trace the path of this change from the beginning of my study and mindfulness meditation, and it continues to this day. In my life there are no other factors which I can point to, in order to explain this metamorphosis. I opened my mind and my heart through study and I sat in silent meditation.
      When I look at the process today it’s clear. Without reading and a desire for the willingness to be open; to come to a meaningful understanding of those originally elusive terms like Emptiness and Impermanence; without struggling to understand the commentaries of many teachers; I would not have had a foundation upon which to bring forth my original posture toward the world. My practice is the currency, a metaphoric coin perhaps, by which I renew my dedication to improving a posture of equanimity in my life. Study and meditation represent the two faces of that coin.