On Dealing with Fear

      Most of my life has been riddled by an undercurrent of fear. As a kid I was always afraid of getting hurt or looking foolish, making mistakes or not doing something well. I can see where my parents, particularly my mother, stoked the fire of whatever that innate mechanism is that has always operated just below the surface. My antidote growing up was to either not take the risk - usually by finding some fault in the system and allowing my anger to be the buffer so I could distance myself from the object of my fears - or I just didn’t show up. I wasn’t willing to pay the price of admission to be part of the game and thereby sabotaged many possibilities as I grew up. Instead I lived in the world of illusion where I was king.
      When I first read about the teachings of the Buddha I found what felt like an antidote to this suffering, though at the time it manifested as an intellectual hook that slowly pulled me in. Today many of the fears that were ignited throughout my youth have been extinguished, though I sometimes wonder how much age and experience has been involved in that change. Either way however, the solace I have found in Buddhist philosophy and Zen writings act as a gyroscope for maintaining direction on my spiritual path.
      Today, the place to begin whenever I am again moving into that dark place where anxiety, doubt, and apprehension reign, is in my body. This is where I first recognize that dark thoughts are beginning to swirl overhead. The tensing of the muscles in my hands or jaw, a sickly sort of stuttering in my solar plexus, and sometimes moisture forming on my forehead or in the palms of my hands, are all early warning signs that a storm of recriminations or dark imaginings are gearing up for a deluge of monsoon proportions.
      Today these early warning signs allow me to begin to focus my attention on the fact that the feelings are just reactions to thoughts. I then work at seeing their origin. I often find that they will start with something as innocuous as a simple, undefined awareness of sense contact; perhaps, an itch, the warmth of the sun on my head, a cool breeze or it might be something that someone said, or just a random thought or memory. It doesn’t have to be connected to anyone or any thing specifically. It can be just an instant of contact, physical, or mental, and from it there arises ever so quickly, an entire dialogue or story that grows like the clouds of a summer thunderstorm over the western prairie.
      Recognizing that this complex of reactions does not point to facts or represent some truth in my life is no small accomplishment. To be able to see and deeply recognize that they are simply conditions that arise when other necessary conditions are present, may on the one hand seem quite obvious and simplistic, and on the other hand seem like they would be of little practical value when the juices of fear begin to surge through our veins. However, it is very important that I see this clearly. If not I will couch the growing soliloquy in the role of false prophet; I will grant the ephemeral voice within, the power of truth and power in my life. Be that as it may, the battle has just begun.
       I must follow then by taking back control of my breathing and soften those areas of tension. This entire process takes place within the boundaries of my body not outside in the world, so it is important to maintain awareness that “all conditioned things are subject to arising and passing away.” If I am able to relax my body and hold fast to the ephemeral nature of these thoughts and fears, I find that my thinking slows down and the fear dissipates. I have found that I will acquire relief in direct proportion to the degree to which I do not cling to thoughts and feelings as representing anything substantial.
       If I find myself in a situation where there is an imminent threat I must act. I don’t have time to ponder outcomes; I need to fight, flight, or call for help. In this instance fear is my friend; an ally in my continued survival. But when I am frozen by fearful ruminations or dark imaginings my life is being usurped by my mind. I have found that the most difficult fear to deal with is the one that is accompanied by, or perhaps arises out of actual physical pain. In this particular case the process of detachment is exacerbated by the physical experience and will color my ability to focus on releasing myself from the escalating fantasies of doom and gloom. The process is the same nevertheless, and points up the necessity to be practicing with all levels of thought, all the time. Attempting to disarm a bomb without training is suicide. If I don’t practice this process with the mundane aspects of living I will fail when the real test arises.
       When I relax into my growing awareness that time is just a convention which we have agreed upon, rather than something that has a substantial existence outside my mind - only then can I recall the freeing truth that - in this moment it is only fear itself that I must fear. Tomorrow will never be anything but an imagined place and all our tomorrows are held in the hands of today….now. Bringing awareness back to my body in this present moment is being in touch with what is real. To be dragged behind imagined possibilities in an unreal future, is to be held in a self imposed prison.